I tend to purge out my thoughts via interwebs when I feel like I need to put something out there, and usually, it's been something negative or confusing that I need to work out, so maybe the odd, diligent reader will notice that I haven't really posted anything lately. The reasons are two-fold: 1) I have been so, goddamn busy, and 2) I am actually really content and happy right now.
So why the blog post now?
To be honest, a train of thought was sparked by having lunch with a few friends from high school today, and I'm so happy about the warm, fuzzy feelings that came from it, I just gotta share. Two of these friends are now engaged, and my immediate (sister-trained) gut reaction was to say EW. MARRIAGE. WEIRDOS.
But then I realized that it actually isn't that weird to me anymore. It's same argument why gay marriage shouldn't bother people: It's not like they're forcing you to get one too. I'll be honest, My name is Janni Sun, and I think I'm always right (even when I'm not). Usually, I have some sort of opinion about what's the right course of action. But when my sister heard about my friends' engagements and immediately said, "It's a mistake," I knew I disagreed with her. Because maybe it would be a mistake for her (definitely would for me), but maybe these guys are set. Maybe these crazy kids know what they want, so why should they wait to be with the people that make them happy and potentially will for the rest of their lives? Who are we to say what's right for them? What the hell do we know?
This crazy, emotional year has definitely helped me accept the "Guuuurl, you do you" attitude where I can step back and say "I sure as hell wouldn't do it, but hey, if you can do it, not be an asshole, and be happy, sure, screw it, onward, brave soldier!"
And I've learned to apply that attitude to myself more, to stop beating myself up for making the "stupid" mistakes and putting myself in the position to get hurt or look dumb. Because sometimes it's not a "mistake," but just the thing you chose to do at the time, for better or worse, because of reasons good or bad. Because even after all the crap and the angst, I muddled through somehow to this point, and damn, I'm pretty okay with myself. I made some poor choices, I have some regrets, I miss some people, I still hurt about some things and still don't understand a few things, but I sleep at night just fine. I won't let the fear of getting hurt stop me from being myself, with my heart on my sleeve for all to poke at.
I tend to associate too much meaning with and overthink my choices, like "If I choose to do this, then that means I do/am that. I must do/be that."
But now I know I really don't. I don't have to do/be anything I don't want to do/be. And my choices can mean whatever I want them to mean to me. And I can change my mind whenever I want.
For instance, I've been thinking of moving to Portland after graduation for a while now, and I'm hoping to join Americorps to really get hands-on and experience how difficult it is to try to make the world a better place and still remain optimistic. But this time around, I'm also committing to idea of the boyfriend coming with me. I've sworn off indefinite long-distance relationships for good, so if I want him to continue to be in my life after graduation (and I really do), that means being in the same city and for money-saving, practical reasons, moving in together. And yes, it's fricking crazy. We've only been dating for a few months, I don't know where I'm gonna be a year from now, things may fall apart, yada yada.
But the scariest thing to me has been "what it all means." Does this mean I'm settling? Does this mean he's settling? Am I making him settle? Am I still gonna travel? What am I committing to? Who am I committing to? Does he really know what he's getting into? Do I? What about after? Does he think I want to marry him? Do I? Do I even want to get married?
Stop.
Because what it REALLY means is that I want him to be in my life, and since neither he nor I have really specific places we have to be or very specific plans, we can decide to be in the same place. And since I trust him to be civil and reasonable even if we don't stay together, I'm not too worried. I now know that this choice doesn't have mean that we're two sappy, naive kids in love and we're gonna skip off in the sunset. I don't have to look at this as a "dumb mistake."
Because all it means is that we'll find jobs that may not be the best but pay the rent, take turns cooking dinner, watch Doctor Who on the couch together, and have the most awesome dog. And that sounds like happiness to me.
So congratulations, Cameron and Zane, I wish you guys all the best! May all the naysayers be delightfully proven wrong. And may 2014 be the year when we all get rid of the notion of "mistakes"and just live and let live.
"There is nothing like returning to place that remains unchanged to find ways in which you yourself have altered" ~Nelson Mandela, 1918-2013, Hamba Kahle Madiba.
