I'm sort of bad at this, huh?

After my previous, ridiculously emotional, semi-diary of a blog, I attempted to create a fresh, new, positive outlet for my thoughts by starting a completely different blog...

then did the exact same thing again.

I guess that was predictable. Teenage Angst. Truth is, I only write about things that upset me (in a good or bad way) but I can't do anything about, which usually falls into the realm of human interaction and emotion, particularly love. With anything else, I'd prefer to act, rather than rant, mainly because I can't seem to improve my typing speed and have the tendency to type rather drawn out and grammatically incorrect sentences which I then have to edit due to my nerd-tick. Blogging takes SO much time.

But.

I'm going to South Africa.

That's right, kiddos. In July, this lunatic is going to be set loose in a completely foreign continent (NOB help us all), full of ideas about what she wants to do there and how she hates that she has an idea of what she wants to "do" there. If my liberal arts education has taught me anything, it's that academics can be so. fucking. pretentious. Who am I to "do" anything? My area of study is conflict resolution (something I BSed and came up with in five minutes while filling out my major declaration) and goes along the lines of "helping" "areas of conflict" "move on" through mutual understanding and an eagerness to SAVE THE WORLD. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I'm coming from the wrong place here, from my privileged, "educated" (and let's face it, white) mindset, condescending and deeming the poor, poor country of Africa and all it's naked, diseased inhabitants worthy of MY MOTHER-FUCKING-THERESA-SIZED HEART OF COMPASSION AND SELFLESSNESS. MY SUPERIOR INTELLECT (AND MY MONEY) WILL SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS. FOR DAYZ.

I. am. so. over. myself. I don't want to "help," because I have not even a neutrino of a clue as to how to deal with complex, structural, surface-level, ethnic, social, political, economic, historical, systemic, ANY KIND of conflict. What the hell do I know?

So. I am in South Africa to learn. To learn what humility truly is. To learn about the enduring human spirit, which is capable of utter evil, prejudice, and hate but also the pinnacles of truth, goodness, and cooperation. To learn about what elements of these I have within myself. Hope you guys will tag along on this here blog. Because if I'm doing study abroad (EXTREME!) right, I won't have the time to emall/message/skype you all individually about my little adventures and exploits. love. love. love.

Yes, we have no answers, We have no answers todaa-aa-ay...