Being home has been rough to say the least. I arrived in Spokane in the midst of a snowstorm and full of excitement to see my bestest Hallie, who had graciously volunteered to pick me up from the airport and let me crash with her for a few days while I adjusted to being home, just to avoid the familial dysfunction a little bit longer (that's how you know it's true love, folks).
I hit the ground running, expecting to swirl myself in a tizzy of productivity, cleaning the house, finding employment, and reconnecting with the person that had been pulling me back from the instant I had left. None of those things turned out as planned, however. The biggest thing that has affected my time in my hometown is the falling out I had with the aforementioned person. He had been my rock for a majority of 2012, giving me support when my mother got sick, comforting me when I was worried about fitting in with a whole new group of people, listening to all my rants, and urging me to come home so he could take care of me. He was the only thing that could make me consider coming back to Spokane and staying... I'm still not sure what happened exactly, but bottom line, we're not in contact anymore, and that, in combination with severe reverse culture shock on so many levels, taking care of my sick mother, a messy house, a sullen cousin... I became very depressed and a little lost, wondering what the hell I was doing home.
The month of February is always bad for me. It happens to be the same month as my birthday and Valentine's Day which is unfortunate, but them's the breaks. I spent a lot of time in a cycle of depression, anger, hope, and bitterness and came out of it more or less in one piece and maybe a little worse for wear. But I learned, or better yet, remembered an important thing: I never want to let my regrets and heartbreaks make me bitter.
I have witnessed some people later in their lives becoming haunted by their past choices, and they become cynical and bitter thinking of the things they cannot or did not change. I will never let myself get to the point. A lot of my close friends wonder how I can still want this person in my life, I can not resent and blame him, and once again, I've come to the realization that I could never replace the love I have for him with hate. Why would I do that and bring more ugliness into my life? My heart is open, and for the most part, always will be; hearts tend to get beaten up this way, but if that is the price I personally must pay in order to not become jaded, then I pay it willingly. Call me stupid, call me blind, call me hopeless.
So now I've been giving myself time to ponder, to reflect without regret, on everything that has happened this past year. And I am content. My empty wallet, obligation, and the need to finish my education is holding back my wanderlust, and I threw away my completely destroyed travelling boots. But now that things have changed, and there's not really anything to make me stay in Spokane anymore, I'm excited to start planning for the next adventure! I have called so many different places home already, and I wonder where the next place will be. The World Cup is in Rio next year and I happen to know a soccer fanatic that speaks Portuguese now...
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