There really is something to be said about this surreal period of time because no, Kid After Dentist, this is not real life. At least, my personal experience wasn't. I could get lost in all the negative things that happened, all the things I don't understand, but everything happens for a reason, and I'm going to focus on what I've learned and what has changed me for the better.
I'd like to think that I am a nonjudgmental person. I have my own opinions, but I try to respect other people's choices, even if it doesn't seem like I am. Honestly. I swear! Seriously, guys! But, I have usually been in a "position to judge" since I am a chronic over-achiever. School, adventure, fun times... I was never the type to sit back and just kinda let life happen. I'm a go-getter. Proactive. Obnoxious. Whatever you may call it. That being said, I have judged myself a lot these past few months. I always swore to get out of this place, get out of my parent's house ASAP, be as financially independent as possible. I worked multiple jobs my freshman year and was so proud to never have asked home for money. Now, here I was at home, using my dad's money, stuck in my nostalgia, being generally unproductive, and underachieving. I had plenty of reasons why I was in my situation, but I'm still trying to decide which were reasons and which were excuses.
I've felt a little bit of this judgment from my peers as well. Some of it came as concern, some as doubt, some as skepticism, a majority was well-intentioned, but I could sense the undertone of "What are you doing here? Why are you wasting your time?"And it stung because my answer was "I have no frickin' clue. I am unhappy. I am not being myself. I should be doing something about that." But what I kept saying was "My mom is sick, I'm taking care of her,"because no one really can argue with that. Again, I'm still trying to decide how much of that actually affected my decision-making process.
I felt like I needed to logically, productively, constantly legitimize that I was stuck physically, emotionally, mentally. Having felt that kind of judgment, I would really like to never be responsible for making someone else feel like they need to give a reason for not being in the best place. Because sometimes you are just temporarily paralyzed. And after a year of moving really fast, experiencing big events, leaping first then looking later, sometimes it's nice to be stuck, to have an excuse to slow down. Like way down. Okay, maybe there was a little backward movement on my part.
I'm a big believer in managing your own destiny, but sometimes, life puts you on your ass or flat on your face, and it takes a bit to get your bearings again before you can stand up and move on. Of course, the important thing is to take the reins as soon as you can and charge forward, a little sore but wiser (mixed metaphors ftw). But even when I was ready to travel on, I didn't really have anywhere to go yet, so I was in a multiple month layover to get on a different flight (another one! I am on a roll!).
ANYWAY
I'm excited to get back to my real life. I mean, I'm not going to instantaneously forget the connections I've made this past year because they were meaningful and I owe them a lot, but as far as I'm concerned, Spokane is a "goodbye town" now. There's really nothing to keep drawing me back here (unfortunately?), so it's time for this merry wanderer to pull up her boots and keep marching. I can't wait.
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